The Key to a Great Marriage

I'll admit, the first 3.5 years of my marriage were pretty bad. We had a lot of trials the first couple years, and it set a pattern for our marriage.

I was a complete control freak, and I told Jeff on a regular basis what he was doing wrong and how he needed to fix it. We yelled and fought all the time. I even thought I'd made a mistake marrying him. But my pride kept us together. I didn't want to be one of those couples that got divorced. I would stay married to him no matter how miserable I was. Plus, I was in seminary, so it wouldn't look very good if I divorced my husband.

Then my husband lost his job and was unemployed for about 6 months. That was a blessing in disguise. At first, things got worse. I tried to control him even more by telling him how he needed to be out looking for jobs, and what I would be doing in his situation. We fought even more (if that was even possible).

I finally got to a place where I gave up. I prayed about it, and decided that God was in control, not me. My constant breathing down Jeff's neck wasn't going to change anything. So I stopped. I talked to Jeff and told him, that it was his responsibility. If he wanted my help, I would give it, but I was done trying to tell him what to do.

Something amazing happened when I did that. Both of us changed.

I quit looking at his faults. I started focusing on the things that he did well, and that I liked about him. When he did something I didn't like, I didn't say anything. I quit complaining to my friends. And when I stopped speaking what I didn't like about him, I stopped thinking about it. I stopped dwelling on it.

I paid more attention to what he was doing well. I started praising him in those things. I started thanking him when he did something that made me happy. My attitude changed.

Through that, Jeff started feeling like he could do things right, or on his own. He was empowered by me instead of torn down. By changing my attitude, it changed his.

Our marriage isn't perfect now, but it's great. We don't just love each other, we actually like each other. We still argue some, but nothing like we used to.

I easily could have given up and divorced him. In my mind, everything was his fault. But  nothing I did was changing him, so I focused on what I could change. Myself and my attitude.

I make a conscious effort now not to complain to others about Jeff. I make a conscious effort to find things that he is doing that please me and praise him for it. I purposefully tell others good things that he does. I still slip up, I still make mistakes, but it's better.

After our marriage started turning around, Jeff was in his accident. I was able to use the skills I learned to take care of him during the most difficult phases of his brain injury.

And now, 7 years into our marriage... we have a wonderful marriage. We love and trust each other. We get along and are able to communicate. We are able to work through our problems instead of yelling at each other. Our arguments are much less heated and last minutes instead of days.

The key to a great marriage is to change the problems that you find within yourself instead of blaming your spouse. No matter how much of it is their fault, there is always something you can change about yourself. Unless you are perfect, you are contributing in some way to the problem. So focus on yourself and look for the good in your spouse.

Homemade Remedy Gone Wrong

There are good things and bad things about home remedies. The plus is that you can get great results for cheap, and they are way healthier than the store or medicated alternatives.

The down side is that they don't always work the way you think they will...

I've heard that coconut oil is supposed to be a really good conditioner for your hair. I read a couple blogs that said for a deep conditioning treatment, to put it on your scalp and hair, and let it sit for an hour or more before washing out.

So I tried it. And my hair is shiny...but it's because I can't get the oil out!

No joke, I have washed my hair 5 times and can't get the coconut oil out! When my hair "dries" you can't even tell because it is so greasy, it still looks wet.

I've even tried putting lots of lemon essential oil in my hair to try and dry it out. But no luck.

Here's what my hair looks like this morning, and yes it's dry, no I didn't put anything else in it.

On the plus side, I could pull it off as styling it with gel to make it curly...No?

It's Coming

I've hinted at this before, but it's time to just say it outright...Judgement is coming for America, and America is going to crumble.

If you don't believe me, then you haven't learned anything from history. Every nation has had it's rise and fall. When the nation falls is when it gets so arrogant that it thinks it won't. America as a whole thinks it's the most powerful nation that has ever been. We are secure, and think that what we have already is the worst it will get.

But I'm telling you that the Great Depression, and 9/11 have nothing on what will come.

America has become too proud. We look to our size, money, and military strength as our security. We think no one can hurt us. We bow down to the idols of money and self-absorption. We have become so self-absorbed that we don't stop to think about what we are doing. We have completely turned from God as a nation.

Just turn on the TV. Look at a billboard. Turn on the radio. You will see sex, crude language, and homosexuality. Marriage is a joke. Abortion is a right. And we are going to pay for it.

9/11 was a warning. It was God taking his protection away from us, to show us how vulnerable we are without Him. Yet, instead of turning to Him, we turned to ourselves. We went after those who came after us. We rebuilt, and built even bigger.

Judgement is coming. If America doesn't repent of our many many sins, and start turning to God, then we are doomed to fail like every other nation before us.

I don't understand why we haven't learned from history. Biblical history is clear. Every time Israel turned from God, and turned to idols, their nation was destroyed, and they were taken captive by another nation. When they turned back to God, they were restored. Other nations throughout history have suffered the same fate when they rose to fame and fortune. They placed their security in themselves, and they were destroyed.

Not only is it coming, but it's coming soon. You have been warned. America as a whole needs to repent, or we will endure the judgement of God.

7th Year Itch

Jeff and I just celebrated our 7th wedding anniversary. I know it's not a lifetime of marriage, but we've been through A LOT in those 7 years. A brain injury being just one.

The 7th year is also when a lot of couples end up divorced.

I grew up in a family of divorce. In fact, on one side of my family, pretty much everyone has been divorced at least once.

Now that I'm older, I have married friends. I'm finding that many of them are starting to divorce as well.

It makes me wonder what the point to marriage is.

I've heard people say that you don't know if you're going to get a divorce, or you can't say you won't because you don't know what life will bring. But I thought that was the purpose of marriage. You don't know what life will bring. Things are going to change, your spouse is going to change. But if you are married you are supposed to work through it!

So if sticking together until the end isn't the point, then what is?

Seems to me that if you don't know if you'll ever get a divorce, then you shouldn't get married in the first place.

Jeff and I agreed when we got married that divorce wasn't an option. Period.

I'm human, I have definitely thought about it. There have been times when I wanted to walk away. But I knew it wasn't an option. So I didn't.

Instead, we worked through our problems. Did I mention Jeff has a brain injury? We went through some rough times with that. He changed. He has improved, but he is not and never will be the same man that I married 7 years ago. Nor will I be the same woman.

We've also dealt with a lot of other issues that we prefer to keep private. But let's just say that the 1st 3.5 years were really bad.

People change. There are rough roads in life. There will be days, weeks, even years that you may not like your spouse. But that doesn't give us the right to leave them.

There are so many excuses and reasons to get a divorce. I'm sure you'll say your reason is different. But here's what it all boils down to...

Selfishness.

If you get a divorce, you are being selfish.

Now, I know there are exceptions to that. Sometimes it's a safety issue, I get that. But those are the rare exception, not the rule.

50% of marriages ending in divorce isn't because of legitimate reasons. It's because people are selfish.

Marriage isn't about you and your happiness. However, that's why most people today are getting married. And that's why most people are getting divorces.

Marriage is about making us more like Christ. It makes us less selfish. It makes us more patient. It helps us see how patient God has to be with us.

I could go on and on about this subject. It's something I'm very passionate about. We are destroying marriage in America. It means nothing anymore.

Unless you truly believe that you won't get a divorce, you tell  yourself it's not an option no matter how bad things get, then there's no point in getting married. You might as well change your vows from "til death do us part" to "until I get tired of you."

Seriously, pull your face away from the mirror. Stop staring at yourself, and what you think you want. Start looking at your spouse and figure out what he/she needs. When you die to yourself is when you gain the most.

It doesn't matter how selfish you think your spouse is, unless you are perfect, you can change something to make your marriage better. So stop trying to change your spouse, and work on what you can change which is you. Change your perspective, change your attitude, change your habits.

Divorce among Christians really makes me mad.

"'Why then,' they asked, 'did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?' Jesus replied, 'Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.' The disciples said to him, 'If this is the situation between a husband and a wife, it is better not to marry.'" Matthew 9:7-10.

I can guarantee you, there will be no 7th year itch with Jeff and me.